Dearly beloved: we are gathered here today to try and figure out exactly WTF is wrong with Kenya.
So. We’re embroiled in a battle of the booty-focused workout videos. The drama is thus: we’re lead to believe that Phaedra didn’t want to give Kenya one red Alabama clay cent for her work in producing her “Donkey Booty” workout tape. As such, Kenya dropped out of the project and decided to make her own booty butt workout video, tentatively called “Stallion Booty.”
Here’s the thing about all this. I don’t know anything about distribution deals and back end fees and payments and all that jazz, so who knows if what Kenya was asking for or what Phaedra was offering was fair or not. But what I do know is that Kenya deciding to make a very, very similar workout video is some hater shit. She claims that she’s only doing a video because there was a distribution deal on the table and, as a business woman, she’d be a fool to pass up that opportunity to make money. Fine; I can respect that. But doing a video that so closely rivals is absolutely Kenya stepping over yet another line. You could have made any kind of workout video. A kangaroo leg video. A chicken breast video. A turkey neck video. An emu back video. Anything! But you choose a similar animal and the same body part and expect people to believe that it’s nothing personal. Okay, then.
Let’s also stop pretending that we don’t know what a donkey booty is. Donkey booty is a southern phrase for a big ol corn fed country booty, and ain’t nothing at all wrong with that. All this “who wants to look like a donkey?!” is reaching. Ain’t nothing wrong with a donk. Word to Soulja Boy. And the 69 Boyz. And your Cousin Man Man.
Kenya gets some extra hater points for saying Phaedra has a horrible body. Phaedra has a husband and kid to take care of; Kenya has time to live in the gym, and she better hope she looks as good as Phaedra after she has a kid. IF IT EVER HAPPENS. Oooh, burn!
Elsewhere in Atlanta, Cynthia is making a foray into beauty pageants and I can’t say that I care too much. Good luck with that, though.
Back to the bats in Kenya’s belfry. She invites Porsha, who she pretty much told to go die in a fire when Porsha proposed being civil with her after their tiff, to lunch to explain her side of her recent fall out with Phaedra. Let’s take a look back at their timeline to see if we can locate some logic in this decision. Porsha meets Kenya. Kenya is crazy rude to Porsha. Porsha and Kenya have not one but two blow ups. Porsha tries to smooth things over with Kenya. Kenya essentially tells Porsha to go die in a fire. Porsha washes her hands of Kenya and gets cool with Phaedra. Phaedra and Kenya fall out. Kenya voluntarily spends some money on a lunch to tell Porsha that the only reason Phaedra is hanging out with her now is because she (Phaedra) and Kenya fell out.
“I just wanted to tell you that everybody hates you and Phaedra does too. I wanted to tell you that as a grown woman.”
…
A rapper once asked the question “where they do that at?” And I believe the answer here is high school. I mean, what did she expect Porsha’s response to be? “Thank you for looking out for my best interests, girl who hates me! I will now govern my life according to your suggestion because I am certain that you sincerely care for me.” Get out of here, Kenya. If Porsha is a pawn, as you claim, you’re just trying to move her from Phaedra’s chess board to your own. Even Porsha, though she is dumb as a jar of toenail clippings (she used the word “congloboration” elsewhere in the show), sees that. They leave in a cloud of insults, the sharpest of which in Porsha’s arsenal is “ashy.” Since I like my snark, I was pretty disappointed in such weak shade–until Kenya tweeted a picture of what her feet looked like that day:
…Porsha’s insult was apt as HELL. Kenya’s feet look like they were used to stop trains on the Underground Railroad. Her feet look like somebody gave her some pumice stones and she decided to wear them as shoes. Kenya’s feet look like she kicked the Pilsbury Doughboy to death and didn’t wash the blood off.
When recounting the incident to the ladies later, Kandi asks a question that almost gets the entire series cancelled:
“Why keep going to lunch with the same person you keep arguing with?”
KANDI! SSSHHHH!! You know that’s the premise of these entire shows! If women stop having lunch with people they hate, there’s nothing to film. Don’t fuck up the church’s money here.
Climax time!
“Pastor, members, and friends. Giving honor to this Grey Goose in my cup, which is a potential explanation for my behavior right now..”
Kenya decides that the best way to prove that she isn’t crazy is to show up to a public charity event and act butt ass crazy. Literally. She shows up pretending to be Phaedra, wearing your Aunt Johnnie Mae’s pastor’s anniversary church hat, a swim suit similar to the one Phaedra wore in Anguilla, and, for some reason, butt pads. She then proceeded to act a plum fool, strutting around, rolling around, and calling attention to herself as if her bare behind hanging out in some booty pads wasn’t doing that enough. And the entire time, Phaedra sat making this face.
“Honey, what is this, I don’t even, chile.”
Kenya continues to do a better job of making herself look like and ass (pun intended?) than anyone. All Phaedra had to do was sit back and say, “see?”
