Blogging the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Episode 6 – Hold On to Your Weaves.

"Hold on to your weaves!  And also to your significant others!"

“Hold on to your weaves! And also to your significant others!”

FINALLY. Finally, Kenya shows us every piece of her behind (in a metaphorical sense) on this trip to Anguilla. I know she’s not the only person on the show, but there are just so many of her antics that need to be discussed. So, we’re gonna switch it up a little bit and spend this episode playing a game called Things Kenya Shouldn’t Have Done. Ready? I’ll start.

1. Kenya shouldn’t have invited herself on the damn trip in the first place. Seriously, inviting yourself someplace is beyond tacky. If you didn’t receive an invite to some event or gathering, chances are you’re not especially wanted. Who wants to be where they aren’t wanted? Kenya does, that’s who. Especially when the forecast calls for a shirtless Apollo in swimming trunks. Speaking of, can we get a moment, please?

Tell the truth and shame the devil, honey.

Thank you.

2. Kenya shouldn’t have pretended not to see Porsha. Upon her arrival to the airport, Kenya arrives and says hello to everyone except Porsha, who she still has bad blood with after Porsha forgot Kenya’s title at a fundraiser. All’s fair, I guess. Kenya didn’t see Porsha, and Porsha still doesn’t know (or give a damn) about Kenya’s title.

3. Kenya shouldn’t have raised such a stink about the room she was given. Let me remind you: NOBODY INVITED YOU. You shouldn’t be in a room at all, so you’d think you’d just shut up and be thankful for what you were given. But nooo. “Waaah, my room’s too small! Waaaah, there’s no bathtub! Waaaah, nobody will impregnate me!” Give it a rest already.

4. Kenya shouldn’t have incessantly asked Moesha’s daddy to marry her. They’re in a beautiful, romantic tropical setting with the chance to spend some quality alone time. But between Kenya reminding Walter of her ring size and begging him to elope, when would he have a chance to enjoy it?? I think that was a line in Alanis’ Ironic — “It’s like rain on your wedding day/It’s a free ride when you’re already late/It’s your baby-obsessed, manipulative, almost-girlfriend refusing to shut the fuck up about getting married long enough for you to sip a drink out of a coconut with an umbrella in it.” I think that’s how it goes. Between the begging and the constant throwing herself at everything with a penis, I don’t see how Walter could have had a good time.

5. Kenya should not have put her hands on Phaedra’s husband. So, everyone is there by the pool, having fun and laughing. Apollo, thank God, is walking around shirtless, and Kenya pushes him into the pool. Now. Had this been Kandi, Cynthia, or anyone else pushing Apollo into the pool, I don’t think it would have been much of a deal. But, it was Kenya, who already crossed about 5 or 6 lines when she pretty much put her ovum on a platter for Apollo when she met him. Right in front of Phaedra and the man she’s trying to sucker into marrying her. Let us also acknowledge that Apollo should not have scooped her up and palmed her ass and jumped in the pool with her afterward. That marked the one and only time I have ever been jealous of Kenya. I bet Apollo’s hands are broad and strong and… moving on.

Let me quickly acknowledge the subtle shade that Phaedra laid out for Kenya the next day, stepping out in this:

Pictured (L-R): collard greens, corn bread.

This was purely to show Kenya what drew Apollo to Phaedra’s yard, and remind Apollo of where his eyes should be. You ain’t slick, Miss Parks, and I ain’t mad.

6. Kenya should not have put her cervix on Peter’s crotch. So everyone is having fun and dancing around and being silly, when Kenya decides it’s time to bust it open for Peter one time. Girl, what? You disrespect Cynthia in her place of employment, and then attempt to scramble your eggs with her husband’s spatula? Madam, please look up the words “shame” and “couth” in the dictionary and pretend to have at least one of them. At least one.

Pictured (R-L): Cynthia, Cynthia’s husband, Kenya’s fallopian tubes, Kenya.

7. Kenya should not have thrown her cooch at every single man she saw, all while Moesha’s daddy looked on. Seriously. Some random Pilipino man. The Minister of Tourism. Ned the Wino. If it had a penis, Kenya went for it. All the while, Walter just sat there. He’s either a sheep, or he’s secretly hoping someone else will come and take her off his hands. Guess which I’m voting for.

8. Kenya absolutely shouldn’t have asked Phaedra which of her friends she’d allow Apollo to sleep with. In the middle of a conversation about how any of the other guys would have been in serious trouble if they had grabbed Kenya by the butt cheeks and jumped in the pool with her, Kenya pops up and asks Phaedra which of her friends she’d allow Apollo to sleep with, if she were ever to do such a thing. Listen. Go on somewhere with these thinly veiled, passive-aggressive passes at Apollo. It would be a lot easier for me to pretend that I had a piece of respect for Kenya if she’d just walk up to Phaedra, look her in the eye and say, “I would really like to sleep with your husband, if you don’t mind.” Then Phaedra could answer her with a black eye and we could all be done with it.

Speaking of, I really kind of don’t understand why no one is checking Kenya when it comes to their husbands. At least the half playful/half threatening “haha, okay, girl, watch yourself now” chuckle. Phaedra did cuss after Kenya pretty much asked if she could bang her husband, saying “go on with that bullshit, honey.” And I know from experience–when you get cussed at from someone who never cusses, it’s about to get really real.

And that’s where things pick up next week. We’re also being lead to believe that Nene and Kenya get into a physical altercation. Maybe Kenya tried the wrong woman’s man?

Any other things that Kenya shouldn’t have done that I forgot to mention?

Brokey McPoverty

Brokey McPoverty, aka Tracy Clayton, is a writer and humorist from Louisville, KY. She currently writes for BuzzFeed and lives in Brooklyn. Follow her on Twitter.

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  • First of all, I LOL’d at that scrambled eggs and his spatula line. Girl, you so crazy!

    Kenya is the absolute worst and it’s really pitiful to watch. The thing is, if she just let the vacation happen, something might have really sparked between her and Walter. Like you said, it’s a romantic couples vacation. Gorgeous scenery. Liquor. Alone time. If she would STFU and just enjoy some sunsets and sex on the beach (drinks or actual literal interpretation, IDC) maybe Walter would see something in her he’d like to keep close enough for a serious relationship if not eventual marriage. But no, she’s gotta beat him over the head every chance she gets. I’m convinced that the only reason Walter hasn’t straight up told Kenya that he’s just not that into her and marriage is NEVER going to happen is because she’s attractive, has a fatty, and it’s cool to tell people you banged Miss Black Awareness or whatever.

    Also, the fact that Kenya came all out of the blue with that question about Apollo to Phae was so blatantly inappropriate and disrespectful. She may as well have walked up to Phaedra and asked “so do you want to fight now or after dinner?” As if Apollo would leave Phaedra anyway? That’s his wife, his lawyer, and the contact for his probation officer. Nope.

  • jeri

    Kenya reminds me of this “friend” I had. She always had to be best friends with her friend’s boyfriend. Needing their number, being facebook friends and wanting to be really close. She got close to my ex boyfriend, and a week after our breakup she took the chance to sleep with him. So kenya is just doing the same thing, so desperate. She needs to find someone else’s man to have someone.

  • mary burrell

    Thirst, desperate, tacky. She is like school on Saturday no class.

  • Thank you all for saying just what I’ve been wanting to say about that desperate Amazon Kenya. All of the HWof ATL is going to kick themselves for trying to befriend Kenya. She has dogged each and everyone of them and why they act as if it is not so is beyond me. Phaedra should handle her with a ten foot pole distancing her and Apollo. Cynthia should not have much to say to her for disrespecting her in the Bailey Agency and clapping her butt cheeks in Peter’s crouch. (Unless Cynthia and Phaedra are looking for a threesome).The bottom line is Kenya tries to be the victim by saying her mother didn’t want her, but she fails to always remind us that her mother has a mental illness. AND, if you haven’t figured it out by now, Kenya has the same mental illness. She is sooooo sickening. She needs the boot. We all like drama but she is blatantly disrespectful and and embarrassment to the title of Miss USA, and black women.