Blogging The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 4: Unmoved.

“Hey look, a box of boring!”

Per the episode’s title, a good chunk of this episode was about Kim’s moving drama. Kinda boring, if you ask me.

So Kim is still homeless or something. The opening scene juxtaposes Kandi’s moving process–she and her mother calmly and diligently packing items for her move–with Kim’s, which involves her screaming, whining, cussing and complaining. As I watched the scene with her having a hissy fit over the way someone is doing a job that she and her family could at least partially do themselves, I tried to remember if I’ve always been so turned off by her. She’s just so tacky. This is a woman who loves to complain and I really wouldn’t care if she was cut out of the series all together at this point.

Elsewhere in Atlanta, Apollo and Phaedra take their little bundle of joy for his first haircut as his 2nd birthday rolls around. We all know how tacky Phaedra herself can be when it comes to throwing events for Aidenn (see: her baby shower and Aidenn’s christening), and we also know that Dwight was behind most, if not all, of said events. Here it’s revealed that Dwight will be planning Aidenn’s second birthday party. I predict Aidenn to come in riding on the back of an albino miniature humpback whale as a troop of penguins dressed as Elton John sing “Bennie and the Jets” in the background.

New housewife Porsha tells her husband about her little tiff with Kenya during her charity event, where she incorrectly introduced Kenya as Miss America rather than Miss USA. Porsha says her mistake is a fraudulent slip.

I’m sure–or at least hoping–that she meant Freudian slip. And if she did, that’s *still* the wrong phrase. Dumb as a bottle of Boone’s Farm, yall.

Ayden’s birthday party! Time to see how accurate I was in my prediction. The party took place at the Georgia Aquarium, the largest aquarium in the world. Rather than ride in on a humpback whale, Ayden and family rode in on a train, and I have to admit I was shocked because if there’s one thing that Phaedra loves, it’s an entrance. Riding into a room on a train, for her, is rather pedestrian. They were then treated to a dolphin show that both Kandi and Ayden pretty much ignored, and that was it. Kind of boring, actually.

Also boring: more talk of Kim’s move. Snore city.

Look at that! It’s time for more of Kenya’s estrogen-drunk antics! Since her family didn’t hate Walter, she’s now turned up Operation Get In My Womb about 10 notches. To woo Walter into liking it enough to put a ring on it and some sperm in it, she makes a romantic dinner for two at her place. And by “she makes a romantic dinner,” I mean she goes to Trader Joes, get some bourgie TV dinners and goes out of her way to talk about how hard it was to marinate the chicken and season the pasta. She tells him that this is a sample of what could be his for the low, low price of forever and children. This woman has not a decent fuck to give anymore. If she’ll intentionally mislead a man to get him to knock her up, she’d absolutely poke holes in your condoms or snatch a kid out of a stroller at the supermarket. Watch yourself, Walter. Guard your gonads with your life, cuz.

“Oh nothing, just making this pre-packaged Wendy’s salad from scratch.”

This scene actually saddened me a lot, though. Kenya’s tunnel vision is so intense that I don’t think she noticed Walter pretty much say he’s not in love with her during their family dinner. If she noticed it, she didn’t care too much because she sure did drop her ring size during her fake homecooked meal. It makes sense, though. Who cares about love when there is insemination to be done?

Earlier in the episode, Nene informs Cynthia that she has recently come into possession of Phaedra saying that she doesn’t give a fuck if Cynthia comes to Ayden’s birthday party or not. Cynthia’s initial reaction is, of course: Nene tell me what to do! Nene’s says she should confront her Phaedra, and Cynthia, bless her heart, does her best. She asks Phaedra about it at dinner, and when she tries to wiggle out of copping to what she said, Cynthia lets her. We know Phaedra will stick to a lie til the wheels fall off — evidenced by her trying to convince people that she was only 5 months pregnant when Ayden was born. Maybe it’s best to just let that go.

Overall, I found this episode pretty boring, probably because of all the Kim happening. Next week appears to turn things up to 11 though — Kenya finally meets Apollo, and Kim finally hangs out with the girls (and ends up screaming at them all). Fun times!

Brokey McPoverty

Brokey McPoverty, aka Tracy Clayton, is a writer and humorist from Louisville, KY. She currently writes for BuzzFeed and lives in Brooklyn. Follow her on Twitter.

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  • mary burrell

    When Cynthia tried to get Phaedra to confess about saying she didn’t give a F-word about her not coming to Ayden’s party. Then she did something crazy like say something bit her on her breast. That was so weird and crazy. Unless this was her way of trying to get out of admitting she said what she said, Kim is just tacky and classless. You are right Brokey it was boring.

  • The Kenya/Walter scene was the highlight. That broad is bananas. He does NOT want her. You can’t sit over your fraudulent dinner (um hello, you’re on camera!) and beg a man to get you pregnant. I’d have left that table right then and there. Walter does not care. He’s on this show to feel on her booty and wear his work shirts (free advertising!). Kenya Moore has always been a beautiful woman but that’s as far as it goes. Her attitude is nasty and she’s so desperate it’s like RAID for men. She’s got the game all twisted if she moved TO ATLANTA to find a husband. Since when is that a good idea? She better go to North Carolina or Mississippi.

  • basically, Nakia. when watching reality tv i try to keep in mind that there’s so much editing being done BUT when it’s clearly one single shot and the crazy’s just rolling out her mouth all i can do is just believe it.