DRINK THE TEA OR THE FUCKING BUNNY DIES.
Every conversation I’ve overheard/overseen, either on or offline, about Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland (set to hit theatres March 5th) always ends up with a statement about how dark and gloomy and creepy he made it. Why did he have to do that? What’s his problem? Why can’t he just leave the classics alone? I have answers. First: he’s freaking Tim Burton. He’s weird. What did you think he’d do with it? Second: This isn’t even his fault! That damn story is trippy, freaky, and creepy all on its own. If you read and remember the original story, you know this. If you think that Walt Disney wrote the original story, you don’t know shit.
That whole story is pretty nightmarish, when you think about it. Sure, there’s a cute fluffy bunny with a pocketwatch and a precocious little blond girl in an apron and cute little Mary Janes. But there’s also:
Attempted child murder. Remember that whole bloodthirsty Queen of Hearts sending her army after Alice while screaming “off with her head?” Oh, that didn’t creep you out? Okay.
Potential drug use. Mushrooms that make you larger and smaller? Cats with big ass smiles that just disappear? Sounds psychedelic to me! Plus, what was that snotty ass caterpillar smoking, anyway?? (Jefferson Airplane knows what I’m talkin’ about.)
Animal abuse. Flamingos as croquet mallets? Hedgehogs as croquet balls? Where the fuck is PETA when you need them? Trying to turn Puxatawny Phil into a robot? …Oh.
Chronic depression. Remember the Mock Turtle? The cute little bugger who was sad even though he admittedly had no sorrow? Mhmm.
"I'm gonna do it, man. I'm gonna fuckin' jump!"
Child abuse. Remember the Dutchess? She was the one who pretty much tried to give her son Shaken Baby Syndrome while reciting a charming little poem called “Speak Roughly to Your Little Boy.” Good, wholesome use of poetry right there.
Flat out insanity. The Mad Hatter was fuckin’ nuts. Clear case of schizophrenia.
And considering that the writer of this little trip may or may not have had a thing for touching babies…how do you out-creep that??
So don’t blame Tim Burton for making it creepy. Credit him with reminding you of how fucked up it already was.
