The idea for this week’s Random Ten started out as a follow-up to last night’s Twitter meme of #bestsexsongs, which could mean a lot of things, but mostly turned out to be a list of generic Quiet Storm-style suggestions.
But as the recommendations kept rolling throughout the night, and even into this afternoon, one thing became readily apparent: there’s a lot of shitty music out there about sex.
“Peaches N Cream” by 112? “Falsetto” by The Dream? Anything by Trey Songz? Fa’ real?
As Alisa said, “I can’t tell if they are serious or not.”
Well, since we’re haters and all, we decided to flip it.
So without any further ado, here’s our list of ten of the #worstsexsongs, or songs about sex:
1. “Straight F*ckin'” by The Transitions (Brokey)
2. “Sex Planet” by R Kelly (Brokey)
3. “F*cking You Tonight” by The Notorious B.I.G. featuring R Kelly (Alisa)
4. “Rooter to the Tooter” by Sammie Relford (Blackink)
5. “Vitamin S” by Baby Cham (Quadmoniker)
6. “Some Cut” by Trillville (Brokey)
7. “Please (Let Me Put It In)” by Capt. Barkey (Alisa)
8. “Makin’ Whoopee” by Eddie Cantor (slb)
9. “Put it in Your Mouth!” by Akinyele (Brokey)
10. “What That Thang Smell Like” by Black Jesus (Brokey)
Be very grateful that we couldn’t embed No. 10 into this post. It should go without saying, but the video is NSFW. Unless you work at a strip club.
And as you all might imagine, the honorable mentions could go on and on forever. But we’ve only got space here for a few: “I Invented Sex” by Trey Songz; “Sexual Healing” and “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye; “Colt 45” by Afroman; “My Neck, My Back” by Khia; “Slob on my Knob” by Three 6 Mafia; “F*ck Me For Free by Akinyele; “I Can Tell” by the 504 Boys; “Let Me Ride That Donkey” by the 69 Boys; “Put Your Mouth on Me” by Eddie Murphy; almost anything by Blowfly; and, uh, “Dance With my Father” by Luther Vandross.
Also, the title of this post refers to one of the most unfortunate, anti-sexy songs of our lifetime. Of course, R Kelly was involved.
As always, feel free to come up with your own suggestions.
Have some oysters, Godiva chocolate and malt liquor while you’re at it.
P.S. Brokey absolutely owned this post. Glad she’s on our team.