omg its still black history month! had you forgotten yet?? i hadnt, in spite of what my sparse updating may otherwise suggest. i didnt forget; im just exercising my right to be blatantly shiftless without having a white man cracking a whip at my earlobes (let us all thank the ancestors for fighting for that right). its been on my mind, continuously, and i thought to myself, self? you know what black history month needs? black history month needs a king and queen. the competition has been fierce, let me tell you… ive been considering some top contenders, including Tuffy from ‘Bamboozled’ ((the guy who sang his heart out about how he be smackin his hoes), Leon (who made love to the silver screen as Little Richard in The Little Richard Story and David Ruffin in The Temptations), and Mr. T. but it was not until i saw a re-run of the Colbert Report yesterday that i made up my mind. or more appropriately, my mind was made up for me. ladies and gentlemen, i present to you, Mr. Black History Month: John Fetterman, mayor of Braddock, PA.
i’m sure you’re askin yourself which one is John. he’s the big white one in the front. now, i’m sure you’re asking yourself how the fuck some big white dude got crowned Mr. Black History, and i will answer that question to the best of my ability*: …look at him! is that not the coolest mayor you’ve ever seen?? okay okay. let’s start at the beginning. John Fetterman is six foot fucking eight, three hundred fucking pounds. though he looks like he could have potentially been kicked out of your friendly neighborhood neo nazi group for being just a little too angry, or like he listens to nothing but ICP all the live long day, Fetterman is a Harvard grad and has an MA in public policy. his arms are covered in tats, most notable being the dates of deaths that have occurred in the city of Braddock during his tenure as mayor. yeah, kind of like how your cousin Pookie got ‘RIP MAN-MAN 1976-2009 REAL GANGSTAS DO DIE’ tatted on his back after Man-Man died of complications of being shot in his ass by his girlfriend Raynita. oh, and you know how members of the Crips purposefully mispell words that have ‘ck’ in them, using double ‘c’s instead? (ie – ‘trick’ becomes ‘tricc,’ etc)? …he changed the spelling of the town’s name from Braddock to Braddocc. no, seriously. it’s on the freakin website.
speaking of the website… LOL. did you SEE it?? when you choose to sell your city by putting a picture of you standing and ice grilling in front of a big pile of something that was destroyed likely by the most depressing societal elements you can muster… dude. it looks like it was created by a 15 year old emo kid sittin in the dark in his mom’s basement listening to My Chemical Romance, struggling to find just the right font to use to express the irony and misunderstanding that grips his soul on the regular. it’s awesome. it’s so inappropriately awesome. oh, further evidence that he isnt an excised neo nazi? the town of braddock/cc is only about 30% white (as of 2000), and his first course of action was not to expell other 70% of the population. (i should note that the town is 66% black. dude. i currently cannot imagine or think of a blacker city/town/state). see? he likes brown folks! i dont believe in bestowing honorary blackness on non-black folks but i gotta admit. if i did, this guy would get it.
*the real answer: affirmative action. i got quotas to fill.