Beyond Chris Brown and Rihanna.

This whole spot light on Chris and Rihanna has really saddened and angered me. I was not quite sure why, until I fully remembered that I was caught in a DV situation with a boyfriend when I was not much older than Rihanna. All it took was him putting his hand on me one time for me to realize I had to leave or he was going to kill me (he put his hands around my neck until I started to pass out). I ended up having to move (we lived together at the time) in order to get away from him. I won’t lie and say that I did not try and maintain some contact with him … expecting that maybe we could remain friends, as stupid as it sounds I did not want to loose total contact.

Anyway, he came over to my new place, unannounced, and I ended up having to call the cops for threatening to kill me. They came and we were all out on front street with traffic going by, me, him, and two white police officers. He would not go quietly (I don’t remember exactly I think I was trying to run away from him when they arrived) and began to physically take on the cops they ended up beating him and arresting him … I cried. I visited him in lockup (the first time I had ever been). I paid for his attorney. I sat in the court room hoping he would not get jail time. It sounds crazy, but the guilt that you feel that you put that person in that position is crazy.

I was smart enough to not get back into a romantic relationship with him, but I tried to maintain a friendship, until he, realizing I would no longer be in a romantic relationship with him, began to stalk me, calling me at work and home yelling obscenities into the phone and punching two large dents in the front of my car as I hastily sped away in an attempt to escape the look of deranged madness on his face that told me all at once that my life was in danger.

Today I cried about it for the first time since this happened. I cried because someone who was supposed to love me hurt me and I could not immediately process it. I cried because deep down inside I did blame myself for his position in jail (never for the attack though). I cried because I know what this feels like for young ladies who find themselves in this position. I cried for those who blame themselves.

I vow to never cry for my daughter. My life and its experiences will be a gift to her to be shared so that she will never have to cry for herself, this I promise myself.

I don’t know, but I know that it is hard to process that someone who seems so normal and even charming can have demons that make him into a monster. I had dated my boyfriend for 4 years and he never touched me. We had a very heated argument, nothing physical, and he just started choking me. I was in total shock, almost as if I was watching it happen to me. But what this article said was true. Once he put his hands on me the first time it became easier for him to get mad enough to want to try and do it again.

Looking back in my experience domestic violence was all about control. He started by the things he would say to me, he would blame me for all the things wrong in his life, and stating how all of my success was due to him. Being young I did not understand that these were his short coming and not mine. Once I grew stronger and weary of what he was saying that was the next step in trying to control me.

I don’t know. Why do people blame women for being raped? Or blame the victim of pedophilia instead of the perpetrator (Michael Jackson). It is easier to dismiss what someone is telling you as a lie, or a misunderstanding, than to come to the realization that someone who you know very well, or thought you knew very well, is not the person who you thought they were. This way the accuser is just a liar or misunderstood and the person that you love is not a monster.