Comments on: A PostBourgie Guide to Thanksgiving.

By: kaya

kaya — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 07:12:12 +0000

just wanted to say hi and that i love this post. i’ve tried to respond to it about 30 times but people keep having babies. this was my 1. first thanksgiving away from my parents 2. first thanksgiving with the in-laws and 3. first african thanksgiving. there’s a lot to say but most of it i won’t. i will say that in a home where 4 of 6 women are doctors it’s interesting that our place is still expected to be the kitchen. and most are happy to oblige (or at least fake it well). not to say that an md should be an automatic get out of cooking free card, but it is interesting to say the least. it’s also interesting adjusting to the nuances of another family that is now your own family. with my own blood, i’ve had some of the same struggles that have been described above, but at least its the devil i know. i hate that phase in relationships where you are still navigating what is comfortable and how much of yourself you can really be around people. but hey the (physician-prepared) food was good.

By: robynj

robynj — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:19:24 +0000

This was…. wow. Sorry I missed it. I’m transitioning, I think, with my family. Like, there was a time when I’d plan my year around going home for the holidays, and prided myself on the frenzy of shopping for gifts, or being duped into cooking the whole dang meal while my mom painted the dining room (this really happened.). But I’m over it. My family is different now. I’m different. And really, I’m OK with not going home because it all feels so forced. Now that my siblings are older (2 teenagers, one 23 year old)… they can’t be bothered to do anything but stuff their faces when it’s time to eat so there’s no real feeling of family or togetherness. Plus, if there’s anyone there besides the six of us, my mom puts on a show. She has this desire to be… admired and envied so she goes on and on about this and that and it grates. So, for the 2nd year in a row, I opted out. Choosing instead to go to a friend’s house who was hosting. I’m opting out of Christmas too, but they don’t know that yet.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 08:02:15 +0000

I didn’t have to “deal” with going home for Thanksgiving this year, because I’m currently living in Japan, having taken one of those jobs that-in-no-way-resembles-anyone-else’s, right out of college. I have always had a tenuous relationship with Thanksgiving, though: I remember when I was young, Thanksgiving signaled the beginning of not only the holiday season, but my grandmother’s manic upswing, complete with knock-down, drag-out fights among her and my mother and my aunts. When I was about 8 or 9, my parents started making other arrangements for us–we would go to a family friend’s house, or go out of town and have a family-only celebration at a small inn up the coast. I was so grateful then, and continue to be grateful now, that my parents were able to see how much my siblings and I were growing to hate the holiday, and decided to make a change on our behalf (they benefitted too, no doubt).

Now that I’m in that awkward transition time between being a child and being an adult, I am faced with a whole different set of strains around the holidays. This will be the second time I miss the holidays because I’m not living in the U.S. right now (two years ago, I was living in Dublin). The biggest secret? That although I might miss seeing them, and I might miss some of our holiday rituals, I am thoroughly enjoying the process of figuring out what these holidays mean to me, without all the drama and the questions and the tension and yes, the guilt. I have come to realize that I am going to have to deal with these relationships more directly, eventually, but in the meantime, I am savoring the freedom that comes with physical distance.

By: ladyfresshh

ladyfresshh — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 05:53:53 +0000

i missed this on the way to TG so i’m reporting on the aftermath

frankly for the past 5 years TG has been a relaxing event the 40-50 relatives all gather and everyone else gets grilled while i chill and we all have jokes and watch movies and remark ironically on how the children’s room is filled with 40/30 and 20 year olds

this year though i’ve felt the pull of obligation tha i haven’t in a long time
my mom wanted me to come the night before to her house (sure!) and i would journey to the next borough (feels a continent away with the nyc subway system rego park to e. flatbush is NOT a joke) the next day to my aunt normal a 2 hour travel

until my aunt hits me with I want to go to the parade…the same aunt that has put me up for the past 3 visits n DC whle i run around an barely see her the same aunt who i put up dibs on floor space for jan…she has a 3 year old…of course she wants to go to the parade…

and then my sister could you pick me from grand central(pick you up?? i do’t have a car…)but she’ 6 months pregnant (ues ima be a auntie) so i can’t say no and apparently i’m going to be in the city anyways…at the parade

all this to now confront later in the day the rest of my family…but it was a smaller crowd this year due to an accident (8 year old had a car accident so that’s 5 people right there and some had to work so that’s a few more)…and i got through it with out the usual…what do you do again…what do you shoot (*wince* i don’t im a researcher/editor/and now… buyer…but will again i think), no boyfriend/ no children…um no….masters…um ….not yet…no house?…er..no….maybe they’ve just given up…

By: bleh

bleh — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:19:19 +0000

Can’t get back to folks (either mine or his) this holiday cuz they are far, far away. Easier anyway. They sorta get what I do, but they are annoyed with my social outlook and outspokenness. So true about the interrogations and the spawn. A baby would give them something else (something they understand) to talk about.

By: melodikgirl

melodikgirl — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:12:49 +0000

lol. i enjoyed reading this. now i love, Love, LOVE seeing my family, but i do get tired of the questions i get asked at weddings, funerals, and holiday gatherings.

top 5 questions i’m guaranteed to be asked:

5–you’re STILL in school for music?
4–soooooo you’re gonna just teach or what?
3–opera????
2–why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?
1–so when DO you plan on getting married?

which remnds me, i’ve noticed the dreaded interrogations pretty much stop after you have a baby. lol.

By: bitchphd

bitchphd — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 22:42:43 +0000

Oh yes. My dad is unreservedly proud of me, but in a not-really-getting-it way that’s sometimes embarrassing. My mom’s proud, but it’s a pride shot through with a lot of envy. My dad’s wife is nice but clearly thinks I’m uppity as hell. I like where I’m from, but wouldn’t want to live there, and that whole tension between where I’m from and where I am now, mentally and socially speaking, just, ugh.

And I totally chickened out and didn’t invite my mom and uncle for Tgiving tday because I suck.

By: verdeluz

verdeluz — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 16:43:14 +0000

I have to come back and read all these comments later.. Right now I gotta get up and start cleaning my house, because.. ha! Because it needs cleaning. I have zero Thanksgiving angst because I am staying my ass right here. No guests, no cooking, no stress. I’ll pop over to my friend’s mom’s place later, but when *their* squabbling kicks in, I have the luxury of oh-look-at-the-time-I-gotta-go-don’t-wanna-miss-that-one-thinging it out of there.

In another month.. well, at least I’m only there for 5 days. I don’t have to worry about extended family gatherings but for a grand total of 5 hours or so, which is great because I don’t care for/about hardly any of them, and the first couple of days with my family usually goes pretty well as long as my Dad doesn’t get drunk or too stressed out. Both turn him into a real asshole. Day 4 always seems to be the point where patience runs out. I like the freedom to get up and walk away that comes with- I don’t know, adulthood? Not sharing a continent?- but there’s only so long I can handle them, and to be fair, only so long they can handle my sarcasm and jackassedness. To the degree that I actively care, it *is* odd to have your family’s dynamic radically redefined- I’m clearly a guest in this way of life that has been built in my absence, and there’s always some unspoken negotiation of those waters, especially between the new wife (newer, wants peace, but, as Wife, official lady of the house) and I (senior member, also wants peace, but kind of a territorial bitch at heart). After having so many versions of family foisted upon me, avoiding sincerity and emotional attachment has become my MO, because who knows how long this one is gonna last?

Oh, and the food is awful.

I think I just blawged in the comments box. Pardon me.

By: Zesi

Zesi — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 12:35:07 +0000

As much as we are theirs, we are also our own women. I’m very fortunate in that I have a very supportive family in terms of What I Do With My Life. I owe all my success to them, but I don’t owe them my life. Fortunately, they don’t ask for it. All this to say, you have a lot to be proud of. I wish to have accomplished as much as you have. There is a lot to say for refusing to stop dreaming and going after that dream, especially when you have actual talent.

My holiday angst comes mainly from one thing: cleaning. SOMEONE (mother) always invites 800 people over, and this involves massive housecleaning. Mom does not believe in you resting while she is cleaning or cooking, which she inevitably will be. You have never ever been a neat person, and would’ve been made into glue or something more useful if you had been Cinderella. There’s lots of fussing involved. But the FOOD! oh!

By: donutwhore

donutwhore — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 04:23:24 +0000

i told my mom that thanksgiving was Rape and Massacre the Native Americans Day, and she looked and me and said, “go away.” lol

i’m in prep-for-tomorrow phase right now and our kitchen table is covered with food, which is really retarded because it’ll probably only be the 5 of us eating a really uncomfortable meal together. then maybe we’ll go to the ranch to visit my mom’s side of the family, where i’ll have to talk about ny life, at which point i’ll be feeling like a pompous ass, even though they all probably make more than i do with my adjuncting/cat-shit-scrubbing gigs. (also, i’ll be the lone vegetarian picking at the potato salad while everyone is being a good texican eating their deep fried turkey and bbq chicken and fajitas and beans with bacon in them…could i *draw* more attention to my other-ness?). then i’ll go visit my dad’s side, where my grandma will keep asking me why i live so far away when it’s so expensive, and when i’m moving back home. sigh.

By: G.D.

G.D. — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 00:48:40 +0000

“Funny thing, it seems like every time I have a passenger in the car and NPR is on they are running a story about the aesthetics of sixteenth-century hand models or something crazy like that.”

hilarious.

By: Grump

Grump — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:44:04 +0000

I, too, only listen to Mr. Baisden when I have my people in my car.

By: Ralph H. Manningfield

Ralph H. Manningfield — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:41:07 +0000

Oh yes, yes GD. I’m with you on that NPR thing. I tend to listen to NPR alone in the car (Cali native), but when I have passengers I can sense their boredom. I cannot recall how many times I’ve been asked, “What in the hell are you listening to?” I respond “NPR.” Inevitably, they don’t recognize the acronym so I have to say reluctantly: “National Public Radio.” At that moment I can almost hear them whisper, “Pompous jackass” under their breath. Funny thing, it seems like every time I have a passenger in the car and NPR is on they are running a story about the aesthetics of sixteenth-century hand models or something crazy like that. I actually got my mother-in-law interested in “News and Notes,” well that was until they discontinued it in my area. I miss my Farai.

And GD, 30-45 people! Damn, you should charge a cover! All kidding aside, have a Happy Thanksgiving man. That also goes for everyone else. It only comes once a year, so just hunker down and enjoy it. Even if it is a guilt-ridden day of conspicuous consumption.

By: G.D.

G.D. — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:25:33 +0000

I’ve had a million conversations about stuff like this with quad and you in the past, but it’s always jarring to think about how dramatically different our life experiences are from our families. (I’d be more candid, but moms be reading sometimes.)

as always, I think you pretty much nailed this. Thanksgiving is a pretty big deal for my family, and we usually have anywhere between 30 and 45 people rolling through. Because of some serious family legal issues, I’ve been home to Philly a lot more often than I used to be in previous years. Because I was so seldom home before, my appearance at family events has always been something of a big deal, accompanied by lots of questions and let-me-get-a-good-look-at-yous. I work for one of the most well-known institutions in the country — which makes them unabashedly proud — and they would and still butcher the name all the time. (They’re not really news consumers.) They make fun of my vegetarianism, the fact that I pepper my speech with “son,” that I order in all the time and the fact that I walk most places or take cabs when they’re too far away. (These things are attributed, and not completely without merit, to my living in New York.)

We were waiting silently in the car for my cousin for an hour and a half yesterday, and I switched on All Things Considered for five minutes before people got restless and said it was noisy and grating. NPR! These are people who listen to Michael Baisden as background noise when we drive, but they couldn’t take five polite, dispassionate minutes of Michele Norris and Robert Seigel.

These are the people that raised me, but there’s very little we have in common in terms of our outlooks and our expectations. I can’t pinpoint exactly when that changed.

By: Ralph H. Manningfield

Ralph H. Manningfield — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:46:10 +0000

Given the fact that I was laid off a few months back and money is tight I was seriously considering picking up a few of those dollar Banquet turkey dinners. Luckily, the in-laws came to the rescue.

I’ve never liked the big family holiday gatherings because of those awkward “I knew you when you were yay big” conversations. I usually have nothing to add to them because unfortunately I have no idea who in the hell I’m talking to. Perhaps I need a chaperone for these functions; someone to take me around and introduce me to all these strange people.

Ironically enough, now that I’m getting older I’m finding myself doing the same thing. Damned hypocrisy!