As determined by the Secret Council of American Negroes.
(A little problematic? Yup. But funny as hayl.)
From the editor’s desk:
As always the Secret Council of American Negroes keeps a boycott list ready and updated. While our resources are vast even we sometimes miss out on things black people really should be boycotting. Feel free to e-mail our site’s editor with people, places, things, organizations, businesses, religions, countries, government officials, deities and other offending bodies you think we should add to the SCAN Boycott List of Shame.
Boycotts can be called for just about anything that offends or even looks like it might offend blackness. Believe me, there is no issue too small for SCAN not to boycott. We get high off boycotting things.
Really. We do. Just thinking about Rosa Parks makes us want to go Starbucks and threaten a boycott over white chocolate macchiatos.
Chocolate is brown, Starbucks! It doesn’t need to be white! It’s happy the way it is!
1. Viacom. (For owning BET)
2. BET. (For sucking)
3. The CW. (For canceling “Girlfriends,” the black woman can’t have a non-ignorant show on the TV?)
4. Lace-front wigs.
6. Telemundo. (Because there are black Latinos, you know.)
8. Vogue Magazine.
9. Terry McMillan novels.
10. FOX’s “24” and ABC’s “Lost.” (For real, stop killing the black characters. You’re turning them into that extemporaneous Star Fleet officer Kirk watches die gruesomely after every teleport.)
11. R. Kelly. (Pervert)
12. The NAACP (That’s right! We’re boycotting YOU! Didn’t see that one coming, huh?)
13. OJ Simpson trials. (You’re on your own.)
14. Spain. (How would you like it if we jeered your athletes dressed like Franco and Hitler in whiteface, feeling up an effigy of the Pope while chanting “Where the dollahs at?” along to a Lil’ Jon remix of La Marcha Real. We’d all be dressed like soccer hooligans too, hoisting glasses of sangria and slurring our Spanish with a Castillian accent because we like to keep it real.)
15. Trifling people.
16. The McRib. (It’s condescending.)
17. Saturday Night Live. (Fred Armisen does a sucky Obama. We’re not saying that because he’s not black. We’re saying it because his Obama really does suck.)
18. Pants that reveal your ass crack. (Let’s be real. Black folks have a lot of ass, so that leads to a lot of crack.)
19. The Oscars.
20. Fried chicken. (For being so delicious.)
21. Naming children after name brand goods.
22. Cristal. (because Jay said so.)
23. Jay-Z. (because Nas said so.)
24. Nas. (because this shirt said so.)
25. Pushy church folk and “gangsta” rappers. (Enough with the homophobia and misogyny. Grow the fuck up. The gays and the women aren’t going anywhere.)
26. Russell Simmons.
27. Build-A-Bear Workshop. (This is a pre-boycott, just in case they start only offering white cloth for bears.)
28. Clothing designers. (Because these pants don’t fit.)
29. Actor Adrien Brody. (For ramming his tongue down Halle Berry’s throat after winning the Oscar for “The Pianist” in 2003. We get that he was happy, but we didn’t appreciate the misdemeanor sexual assault you committed on the stage. Never mind wondering if you would have pulled the same crap on Julia Roberts. SCAN wants you to love our sisters, but love them respectfully, please!)
30. Sub-prime loans.
31. CBS News. (Did you ask Russ Mitchell if he wanted to anchor the news because Katie is funking up the place?)
32. Leather pants. (very unflattering)
33. Michael Jackson jokes. (Try Jermaine jokes. They’re the new Michael Jackson jokes)
34. Nike. (too expensive)
35. Foxy Brown. (too cheap)
36. States that have never had black governors. (all 47 of you)
37. Will Smith. (not angry enough)
38. Cuba Gooding Jr. (not angry enough)
39. JC Watts. (not angry enough)
40. Bill Cosby. (too angry)
41. Any film where the black sidekick is “wise-cracking.”
42. Vanity Fair Magazine. (What? We’re not vain enough for your magazine? I’ll have you know that black celebrities are every bit as vain as white celebrities and in some cases – Beyonce – vainer!)
43. Vince Vaughn. (You crashed a Punjabi wedding in “Wedding Crashers” but not a black wedding?)
45. ABC’s “The Bachelor.” (We didn’t want the damn ring anyway.)
46. The weasley guy on ESPN’s “The Sports Reporters” (Stop making excuses for Phil Mickelson and accept the fact that Tiger Woods is the greatest athlete of all time!)
47. Nancy Grace. (Because , um … we don’t know if you’ve noticed, but black women go missing too. Some are even young and attractive and missing. But that would be shallow, you know? To only care about people’s age and outward appearance when they go missing.)
48. Music videos. (Why no girls darker than a paper bag? Are you trying to convince me that black people will pay to see Gabrielle Union in a movie, but won’t watch a video with a girl who’s her color or darker?)
49. John McCain. (When the conservative wing of SCAN hosts presidential debates we expect someone a bit more substantive to show up besides Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee and Negroes of North America “gold club” member Alan Keyes)
50. Blondes. (There is no empirical evidence that they do, in fact, have more fun.)