Reconstituting (Ice) Cube

Cube, sweetheart, we think it’s time. The fact that we even feel comfortable calling you sweetheart confirms that it’s time.

We’re gonna need for you to connect with another respected Black auteur —not necessarily Singleton, as his star didn’t quite rise the way we all anticipated in the years following your last successful collaboration. Don’t get us wrong; he’s doing well for himself… but the last thing we want is to see in you in something akin to Baby Boy or Illegal Tender.

Still, though. Find someone. Find someone with a film degree or at least two works of critical independent praise and let that person… re-freeze you.

cubekids

Cube: you need your ice back. Perhaps reviving your curl would get you back into fighting form, considering all the suckas you’d have to clock for clowning you. If that’s what it’d take, PostBourgie would be happy to help you. We’ll start a campaign and have our readers sending bottles of activator to your agent faster than you can say, “Jericho.”

No matter the method, we need Doughboy back. We need the cinematic incarnation of your “It Was a Good Day” lyrics. Give us something–something other than this befuddling simp-turned-surrogate-father you’ve provided in not one, but two “Are We _______ Yet?” movies and the maddeningly one-note straight man to comedians rendered chronically unfunny by badly penned scripts.

Oh, we know you’ve been hearing this for years–and for most of of those years, you’ve been “simpin'” all the way to the bank. He who laughs last and all that.

But the longer you keep with your current formula, the more things like this will bear repeating. Pardon us if, when shown a flicker of potential, we turn into haters as you extinguish it for easy bucks.

Just one film you’ve headlined since the year 2000 has opened at under $12 mil. Even XXX:State of the Union —one of your rare departures from the aforementioned schticks–earned $12,712,272 in its first three days. Are We Done Yet? made $14,262,724 at its domestic debut and $58,388,068 worldwide before all at the box office was said and done. First Sunday made $17,714,821 in its opening weekend and it’s grossed $34,467,000 to date. Admittedly, you don’t need financial advice. You’ve found time-honored techniques for gettin’ that paper.

But, Cube. Aren’t you bored? It’s been 13 years since you, DJ Pooh, and F. Gary Gray pulled Friday out of your collective hat and 17 years since you stepped out of your NWA bag and into the shoes of Ricky Baker’s “irredeemable” brother in Boyz in the Hood. Isn’t it time to challenge yourself again?

Wouldn’t you like to spend some of those Executive Producer dollars of yours on a project that doesn’t involve Katt Williams in a pixie wig?

katt

We guess it’s okay that you’re rumored to be a frontrunner for Mr. T’s B.A. Baracus role in a big screen A-Team remake (incidentally, John Singleton is also rumored to be attached). And we see that you’re still planning on continuing in your mentor-to-a-little-kid thing as Keke Palmer’s uncle in an upcoming Fred Durst vehicle. Oh, and sure, sure! We’d love to see you step into the long-abandoned role of Mr. Kotter in a feature-length adaptation of the ’70s sitcom, Welcome Back, Kotter… we guess.

It’s just… well… some of us wanted you to go another way. It’s not like we need to see you reduced to tears all the time, like the former Fresh Prince. We don’t need you to be a sex symbol or anything. We just thought you might take a break from high-grossing B-movies every once in a while to try your hand at a biopic. Or, if you insist on playing folks’ fathers, how about doing so in a straight drama?

Picture this: you’re doing well, you’ve got a lovely wife and two young daughters, a surburban home, great benefits, 401K, and stock-sharing. Maybe you’re a lawyer–nah, maybe you’re a public defender (which would mean all those job perks we just assigned you belong to your…. hmm… ad exec wife). Anyway, things are going well — then you get word from the mother of the son you fathered at 15 that your estranged namesake is facing serious charges on a crime his mother is certain he didn’t commit. You aren’t so sure. If he’s anything like you were at that age, he’s guilty as a mug. Even so, you take a few days leave from court and go down to the old neighborhood to investigate. During those days, you learn more about your son (and yourself) than you ever thought possible.

Somehow, we think you can swing that. In fact, we’d more readily believe you in a role like that than, say, LL Cool J. Why not try it? Wouldn’t that be a mite better than subjecting yourself to another broad comedy with, like, Earthquake and Bruce Bruce as sidekicks? C’mon, Cube…. Give it a whirl!

slb

slb (aka Stacia L. Brown) is a writer, mother, and college instructor in Baltimore, MD. Check her out here: http://stacialbrown.com and here: http://beyondbabymamas.com.
  • LH

    Financial success at the expense of artistic integrity … a novel concept, indeed.

    I was over Cube once he turned Friday into a franchise. My thought was that he wanted to do something innocuous yet humourous, which I can appreciate.

    But the execution was horrible and before long I felt myself becoming insulted by what I perceived to be his patronising attempt to get me to laugh not because anything was funny, but because I’d laugh if he were (insert silly white comedy actor’s name here).

  • I think with Ice is just in a comfortable space in his life where he doesn’t necessarily feel the need to want to go out and be Tyrone the hustler or Sammy McJenkins caring father of 5 in a dramatic flick. I do definitely think he can handle the role, now whether or not he’d be able to do it is a totally different story.

  • slb

    Brran1-

    You’re probably right; he’s happy with what he’s doing. Goodness knows, if he weren’t, he’s certainly in a position to change things. I just thought I might put a bug in his ear, though… just in case. 😉

  • Bruce Bruce and Lil’Bit are cool.
    Atlanta Comedy is good just like Chicago.